Apr 1, 2008

Venezuela Unveils New Foreign Policy

AFD, 04/01/08, Caracas--Leftist leader Hugo Chavez laid out plans today for Venezuela to exert increased power over areas of the global north. Viewed by many as an aggressive use of state coffers, overflowing due to world oil prices reaching $110/barrel, the new proposal calls for "the socialist colonization of imperialist land" as the last remaining means of countering US influence in the region. Last month, tensions mounted in South America, after Colombian forces struck guerrillas operating out of Ecuador. Mr. Chavez has accused the US of military involvement in the operation, and, more generally, of stirring unrest and promoting overthrows across the hemisphere.

Speaking at a press conference, Chavez said that Venezuela would drastically build up its military capabilities in coming years, with the express purpose of occupying parts of the US southwest. He stated that Venezuela would dole out free petroleum to mollify aggrieved US citizens, however he claimed that the failing US economy would make a Venezuelan incursion "welcomed like a saving grace" by impoverished Americans and "mistreated Latino migrants". The initial targets for occupation, as shown in a color coded map Mr. Chavez employed in the press conference, would be the nuclear labs in Livermore, California, and Los Alamos, New Mexico, military bases all along the border region, as well as oil refineries in Texas and Louisiana.

Critics question the appropriateness of such an upswing in military spending and a focus on controlling foreign populations, especially when some Venezuelans have yet to see the developmental gains promised by Chavez's Bolivarian Revolution. Others claim that occupying parts of the US could potentially violate international laws to which Venezuela is party. Mr. Chavez responded confidently, claiming that no Venezuelan could be safe from US meddling if Latin America does not take the initiative to "conquer" the US. "The only defense that remains," he said, "is a strong offense, taken to the bowels of the imperialists". Venezuelan Foreign Minister, Nicolas Maduro, released a statement claiming that Cuba, Nicaragua, and Ecuador have agreed to participate in a coalition aimed at occupying the US, disassembling its military installations, and instilling a socialist ethic. The Navajo Nation and the Santa Fe City Council sent letters to various embassies in Washington advising that it would not resist Venezuelan occupation, as long as it would stave off "the impending economic doom" wrought by the Bush Administration. Officials from other coalition governments did not release statements, though Fidel Castro recently reflected that Jose Martí foresaw such an "eventual necessity" when Martí spoke of "Our America" extending through the Rio Grande river.

The Bush Administration dismissed the proposal as "titillating tough talk" from an "increasingly unpopular dictator", designed for domestic consumption in Venezuela and Ecuador. On the campaign trail, John McCain said that addressing such an invasion was an issue "best left to the states". In Pennsylvania, Senator Obama said that he would try to "talk Chavez out of such a ridiculous notion", while Senator Clinton said she would form an alliance with Michelle Bachelet and Christina Kirchner to relieve the region of such "macho antics".


This story is copyrighted by AFD (April Fool's Day).

2 sucka ass fools had something to say:

Moon Trampsaid...

Sounds like Bush and Chavez should hang out.

Jay Gee Whizsaid...

I'm changing my vote to Hillary.